Your most treasured photograph

It’s the one in my wallet, the one I took last summer. It doesn’t exactly bring any fond memories. I’ve kept other photos, but just for some weird reason that one is my favorite.

Put your iPod on random shuffle, write the lyric of the first song that comes on, and use it as an opening line.

Hush, don’t speak.

Listen closely. It’s been pounding against my chest for the longest time, but lately it’s barely beating. I can’t even hear it anymore.

Can you make out what it’s trying to tell you? I can’t either. The only time its words ever made sense is when you’re really near.

I was at Indigo yesterday and spotted a book called 642 Things to Write About which I thought was the most interesting among others which were also amusing but not really. So assuming I purchased a copy, I’m going to post entries from it.

Our mum brought us to PNE Playland for the first time ever. Naturally, I would never ever risk my precious life going on perilous rides. But since she got me and my brothers all-you-can-ride-passes, and as a good daughter I didn’t want to disappoint her and waste her $49.75 (note: that’s just for one pass), I mustered up every courage left in my body and went on pretty much every single ride at the park. There’s this one called Hell’s Gate which obviously by its name requires more than just being an adrenaline junkie to survive it, and I went on that so I guess that makes me an official bad-ass. (I went on more rides than my brother Kyle did since he hurt himself during the Wooden Roller Coaster, so plus points for me.)

Anyways, this cheeky little montage was heavily inspired by Will Darbyshire. If you don’t know this guy, then what are you doing right now? Go to Youtube and look him up. I swear he’s an amazing person. This is kind of my first serious attempt at film making, and it all came together really well and I’m super proud of it. (I even legally purchased the background music for this, thanks to my dad’s credit card).

So yeah, that’s all for now. Nighty night.

Every time I think about ending my life, I tell myself that they’re all just going to say I’m not strong enough, that I’m pathetic and weak. But I don’t want them to think that. I’ve honestly been trying so hard to hold on for so long. I’ve been losing my faith in pretty much everything lately. I’m sure the rest of the world has gone through or is currently experiencing what I’m struggling with, but sometimes, it feels like I’m on my own.

We had this woman who came over to discuss suicide in class, and she told us signs that will tell you someone is suicidal. I’m not sure if this is a fact, but if a friend tells you he wants to die, he is less likely to kill himself. Since I’m writing about this, maybe I’m not capable of doing it at all. I don’t know.

I encourage myself everyday. I guess I haven’t lived long enough yet to find more reasons to stay alive. It’s only been 18 years anyways.

Unpopular Opinion

The Oblivion music video came out, but only on Vimeo. Plus the font they used at the beginning was similar to the one used in Pompeii’s director’s cut video, so I guess that gives me hope that a proper, slightly different one will be released on their Youtube channel.

However, I am not disappointed at all with this one. I really liked it. I think it’s related to the Flaws video. Sophie mourns the death of Dan (who died in Flaws). And if we also try to interpret the song itself, and as Dan had mentioned before, the character could be losing her mind due to the loss but the pain is too much for her to handle, therefore she falls into the state of psychosis and becomes oblivious(?).

I know that the boys weren’t physically there during the filming, but I’m sure their ideas were put into actions. I just really like the fact that Bastille is able to create things that never fails to confuse me and allows me to interpret them the way they appeal to me, and that the band collaborates with such brilliant artists.

Yesterday I was called selfish.

Ironic, right? In my previous post I wrote about how selfless I’ve been trying to be especially with the people I love.

And yet, I get called selfish.

That I’m always doing things for myself, that I don’t give a damn about others but myself.

Bullshit.

I can’t blame you, though. People only honor the good things you’ve done when you’re dead, when you’re no longer there to feel good about yourself.

But that’s the thing. I’m trying so fucking hard to make myself feel better while I still have the motivation to stay alive. That is why I isolate myself from all those that might get into my skin and look for what can make me really happy.

"This is supposed to be a group project. Why are you working alone?"

"You are such a loner."

Well you’re an imbecile for not seeing that some people just love to be independent. Being lonely can get depressing, yes. Everybody needs somebody. But I’ve also experienced true happiness by doing things on my own.

I’m sorry if you feel like it’s wrong that I refuse to share the gratification with someone else. And I’m also sorry that I don’t feel like pleasing you anymore. That’s not my responsibility. People should learn to make themselves happy because in the end all they’ll have left is their self and their self-worth.

I can’t say this to you out loud because I have A LOT of respect for you and for who you are, but calling me selfish isn’t going to make feel bad about myself at all. You’ve just given me more reasons to cordon off, build a tougher wall to keep people like you away from bursting my happy bubble.

It feels like I gave so much away that I didn’t leave anything for myself. It’s important to make the people that I love happy, and let them know that they’re very special to me. It’s just funny how I’d always go out of my way to do great gestures for others, but nobody ever did the same thing for me. They say when you give something, don’t expect anything in return. But I think that’s utter bullshit. Because people who give love deserve something back.

I don’t regret giving my love away, though. I just wish I didn’t give it away too much, or that it didn’t go to waste. And I wish someone gave me more than just photographs and mixed CDs. Is that too much to ask?

Maybe no one really cared enough.